I found a pair of size 15 female undies on my floor?? is that big?
How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
I can't believe I ever hated her sister or friends. They got her some sexy sexy ass lingerie for the honeymoon. I think I love them bitches
seriously, who doesn't want to get shitfaced and have sex to the backstreet boys?
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
Randomize
