my vag is so smooth its legendary
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
I don't think requesting him as a BBM contact is proper protocol following vomming in his bed.
He offered me a ride home but i walked. He lives by an elementary school so a 10 yr old safety officer helped me across the street during my walk of shame
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
250 people in this lecture & my prof asks who already drank green beer this morning& is drunk right now. I WAS THE ONLY ONE TO RAISE MY HAND
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
My new superpower is making fuckboys disappear!
Bending dicks and egos since 2002
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