my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
Would it be too much if i wore depends to new moon so i dont miss any of it?
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
This place doesnt have redbull or serve shots. Its like they are at war with fun.
My Bio teacher gave me extra marks for putting "deer with AK-47 seeking retribution" at the top of the food chain on my exam. 51% pass here i come!!
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
At first it will make you think "how is this physically possible?" and then it will ruin an entire food group for you.
just so it's not awkward when you get here, you and my dog have the same name.
Hahaha nice
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
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