I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
We're so high we're finding things in the room to build a submarine with. So far we have two cardboard boxes, a piece of wood, puffy paint, and an empty bottle to use as a periscope.
Yeah sketchy neighborhood.. Some woman ran by screaming, "i didn't steal anything" as some cops rolled up and arrested her.
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
when we asked you if you had had anything to drink tonight you looked up from the toilet while cupping the water into your hands and said "this.. just this"
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
she just made some guy spank her... then made some chick take a running start and spank her.
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
The fact that me being able to walk down stairs is an accomplishment in my books pretty much explains how I am
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
For a second I thought that you were becoming a decent person again. I am glad I was wrong.
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