Her bacne/racne was so bad it was like having sex with bubble wrap.
Just met a female bro. Things are weird at the rugby party.
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
Just a heads up, i'm sleeping in te back seat of your car so don't be freaked out when you see me in the A.M.
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
I met his dad. Turns out he was a one nighter from the nurses conference in Vegas. Not sure how to handle this one.
Clearly, you already have. Both of them.
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
I just want to have sex that doesn't end like a B-rated horror movie.
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
Randomize
