I think I'd remember a dick in my mouth
Y do pigs give u trufles on farmville? I WANT BACON YOU FUCKING PIG!
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
she was like the girl next door.. if you lived next door to a whorehouse
I wasn't concerned until I realized he was using the vase my birthday flowers came in as a " big glass" for his 151 and coke.
I HOPE YOURE READY TO KICK SOME SERIOUS ASS AT TRIVIA NIGHT TOMORROW NIGHT. also, i hope the birth of your niece goes well. BUT MOSTLY TRIVIA NIGHT.
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
He said I was so drunk and high that I had a conversation w/ his goldfish. The video shows me clearly conversing as if talking to a person w/ pauses in conversation and everything
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
I'm about to go get lunchables and alcohol. Take that adulthood
Randomize
