he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
there was a guy who was being paid to stand outside of Abercrombie without a shirt on... normally i would be okay with this but he was 40...
You deserve yourself a blunt and a build a bear.
i just woke up to 15 people singing a whole new world
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
And when I say "complete whore" I mean I could possibly make a shameful profit by wearing this.
Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
He fucked me while wearing his night time breathing machine mask. Does this mean I joined the dark side and he is Darth Vader?
Randomize
