one word: firstdatebathroomanal
i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
It was an igloo shaped doghouse, I was obligated to hotbox it
Whatever. I'm saving myself for my wedding night or a night with enough patron.
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
can I share that I'd like to fuck him in my new car as a sort of car warming present to myself?
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
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