overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
You are cordially invited to the annual finals week stress relief drinking binge at our manor this evening
Apparently the guy with the moaning gf that lives above us is in my DES class... AWKWARD
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
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