He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
i dont want to stoop that low. but my dick does.
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
God gave him joint rollers for hands
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
It was just a Craigslist hook up but she wore sweats. Where are the girls with class?
Kid got so high from the brownies he forgot his own name. Welcome to college.
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
I would professionally fuck the shit out of her
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
You guys do the cocaine and I'll do the dishes.
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
