Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
I'm customer of the month for a 3rd time now at the Wine store. I've achieved so much in my life
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you duct taped a twenty to your thigh just in case and passed out.
When I take mushrooms I can feel your presence down there. I can feel where Africa is too.
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
He always takes me to get taco bell after we hook up in his car. It's sort of become a booty call tradition.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
His new place is a molesden. Like a hole in the ground. It's frightening how oddly private it is.
It rubs the lotion on it's foreskin...
I woke up to see that I had ripped my boxers into a loin cloth because we were watching last of the mohicans
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
You guys wanna start around 10:30 tomorrow?
We can start at 5am for all I care. You ask like I have plans.
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
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