I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
i feel like verizon should give a sexter of the month award
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
Nothing brings people closer than bonding over tequila shots and running from campus security.
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
Is it too forward if I ask him to bring a condom when he comes over to work on our project?
Dont you look at me in that tone of voice
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
Randomize
