Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
We met at my place after separate parties but the condom wrapper was red with hearts and said love. Does that count as a romantic date?
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
I have no idea how I got home or why I am naked but I assume I owe you a thank you...
I just saw my 7th grade teacher at the club. We had a pretty good talk over drinks. Turns out we both like dancing on tables.
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
No, next time he offers you a ride home, ask him about Batman. The result will always be road head.
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
she's pretty fucking smug for someone who has had unprotected sex with a convicted felon
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
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