It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
Every time a song comes on I get sad if glee has not a cover of it
It was her 21st and she had one drink and fell asleep. I hate 90lb girls.
I thought about donating plasma but thats not the way i want to find out that i have aids
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
did i send you the picture of me smiling with the magnum wrapper?
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
All I know is that at 4 am I was walking down the street in my bra and his shorts and Im pretty sure I passed my grandma on her morning walk.
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
Pretty sure my parents just hear me get off from the living room but I feel like they should be proud that I did it without a man honestly.
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
Anytime he goes down on me i automatically think of you cheering me on. Your a good friend.
He tried to grab your ass, but he grabbed my hand cause I grabbed your ass first. I saved your ass..literally. Your welcome.
Randomize
