I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
she's into porn, im staying here tonight
Yessssssssss. I got taped to a couch last night apparently. I also thought i was close to scoring after talking to some chick about hard boiled eggs
Nope she woke up in a hotel room alone on 55th street. A guy in a lamborgini gave her a ride this morning. She was walking barefoot home
Houston, we have a blender
Call me when you get back form court. Hopefully its not later than noon. Just remember..win or lose we still booze.
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
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