dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
Her pussy was so beautiful. That's what I'LL miss the most. Not the omelets. You're the roommate, obviously our priorities on this situation are vastly different.
dude, you were feeling up her boob for 20 minutes in front of the guy she was hitting on because you and her had an argument over who had bigger boobs.
hey man, it was for science okay.
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
Whose dick am I looking at? There are too many possibilities at the moment.
Hiding in a kitchen with no pants orange juice abs a pillow...please joun
I haye tequella
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
I begin to question your sobriety when you both left here shirtless, with beers in one hand and shotguns in the other
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