my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
There are two people having sex in one of the showers right now trying to silence their orgasm sounds and failing. Thank you coed bathrooms.
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
So someone just pointed out to me that during dinner, I mentioned more women that I'm attracted to than men. The transition might be complete. I'm gay.
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
When my parents ask if I met any nice guys in California, I'm going to answer, "No, but I have gone home with alot of nice girls". Too much, too soon?
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
Seriously I am not buying you condoms anymore. You're 22, if you aren't woman enough to buy them yourself then you don't deserve orgasms. Grow some tits.
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
So you can now add nose to my list of places that cum has gone that it shouldn't...
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