i have it on good authority that she is not as good at giving head as she claims she is
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.
i got hit in the ear.
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
Who suggested the eggnog wet t-shirt contest last night like whose idea was that
Speaking
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
how do you always get into these "we banged the same dude now lets be friends" situations???
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
I feel like we need to find him and explain that if the two of them would just fuck he'd understand.
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
he just kept biting everyone and singing hilary duff songs. i can't even bring him to a gas station.
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