I think we need to take a brake
What upsets me the most about that is that you spelt it 'brake'
wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
I fell asleep while studying last night and woke up smelling like whiskey and sex... words can not describe how confused I am
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
Randomize
