Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
In hindsight maybe we should have moved his homework instead of playing quarters on top of it.
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
Oh my goodness please please please my inner slut needs some pampering, shes getting rusty and nothings worse than a rusty slut
I think mark twain said that originally
We left the bar and you kept yelling "ONWARD SCION, TO GLORY!!"
Dude you spoke to a girl about CRICKET. She MUST want sex
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
I just thought you should know that you should be proud of your dick. It's pretty much perfect. Just, ya know, by the way.
Randomize
