maybe i'll see you again later :)
I'd rather shit a knife.
I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
I don't know bro. If a girl makes you cum hard enough that you pull a back muscle, she might be the perfect one to call for a massage on said muscle.
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
Smoking weed with a blind guy, don't worry he's chill.
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
Randomize
