Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
his semen tasted like maple syrup. no wonder fat girls always wanna fuck him.
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
there is potential here for me to have a consistent access to someone's dick who isn't actually an asshole. i think i'm ready for a relationship.
It seems that only way I've actually improved myself after 2 years of writing for the school newspaper is that I've mastered the art of descriptive words to improve my sexting skills
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
It was literally 8 o'clock in the morning. His horniness knows no bounds.
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
I'm just trying to win a butt plug dude
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
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