Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
You told her the u were going to wrap your dick around her neck and start her like a lawn mower. thats why she left.
Does transporting jello shots count as driving with an open container?
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
It's been two weeks and I still have carpet burns on my knees. Well done.
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
My liver is begging me not to go, but sadly enough for him my feet and hands control me getting there.
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
I think he's only dating me for my ass...
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
I'm getting reacquainted with drunk me. She has grown up a lot.
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