ok think of it like jelly beans. if you can learn to like the licorice ones, youll always have lots of them because no one else wants them. its the same with fat chicks
she was screaming in french about how classy it was to be drinking wine. oh... she was drinking it out of the bottle. with a beer in her other hand while throwing up.
I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
I'm supposed to be studying for finals but all I can think about is blowing him on a sea doo this summer
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
i don't know what happened one minute im stumbling home drunk and the next im drinking pabst and smoking with a french guy ive never met named hugo.
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
Randomize
