Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
Sitting in class thinking wow im glad im not hungover...and then i realized im still drunk.
All I remember from my 21st is crying because the bouncer made him put his shirt back on
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
It's like all my brain cells are screaming at me.
I'm dying.
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
my nurturing instincts told me to take his clothes off
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