I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
So tasty. Tasty like a vagina with ninjas in it
We need to get her a baby shower present. And no, a blow up sex doll with her dead boyfriends picture stuck to it, is not appropriate.
When did we convert life to cartoon?
Stop trying to get a gf and raw dog some forest beasts like sasquatch
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
It's the 30 sec rule.... the worst that could happen is I could die
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
I just don't know how to say "I want to have sex you with before you graduate" in a classy way
Randomize
