MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
I just remembered we were doing butt clenching exercising with bar straws last night
Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
Drinking wine out of an empty soup can and watching spongebob squarepants.. I eveb hate myself
Lesbian chick is doing her presentation on the time she woke up on the dockside still drunk at 7 am. This is why I show up to chinese class.
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
One good thing out of all this is her ass is huge. Like Australia Big.
He's two decades older than you. Remember how you said you wish you lived in the 70s? HE DID.
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
Randomize
