just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
I'm almost 25, which means I can ride with girls that have permits
Is it a problem that I find my wife's 16 year old niece sexy?
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
I really wanted to suck your dick, but I also didn't want to miss any of the movie
When are you going to accept the fact he is gay?
Come on... He's just practicing.
Ok. That's acceptable.
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
I just masterbated to the home shopping channel...what have I become...
You're either getting fucked or a coupon to Friendly's. I haven't decided yet.
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
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