I'm the only one here who isn't hooking up, coming out of the closet, or crying because of one of those 2 things.
So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
I figured out that he lasts longer when I rap during sex. He made it all the way through "Love the Way you Lie"
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
She is larger then a hippo. You could cut her open in the middle of a blizzard and crawl in like Luke skywalker. Throw a couch and a tv in there and you're set
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
I'm a 23 year old adult who just ordered condoms online from Target because I'm still too embarrassed to buy them in the store.
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
Is it just me or did we have a heart to heart talk while you were naked last night?
Randomize
