if you don't go to jail tommorow I'll buy you a 40. Motivation.
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
I know it should be off bounds, but can this be the chick we all sleep with at some point? I can write it off as drunken mistake, you all just have to come up with equally good excuses
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
He told me he wants to eat me out all day while I lay in bed watching football. Seems like a solid foundation for a relationship to me.
So apparently we wrote "Lube Shopping" in Paula's diary on every friday for the rest on the year....
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
We were all having a bath, the three of us, then that drug dealer guy walked in and peed. Sitting down. Apparently he didn't want to offend us.
Randomize
