if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
I made a drinking game out of watching your DUI video, everytime you say " okay, well thats just your opinion"
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
bro your seconds weren't very sloppy last night, is everything ok?
I have a high opinion of you, you smash bitches. Respect.
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
hey, cheif big dick, where the fuck are my panties.
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
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