i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
Yeah, she'd be cute...but she has faith. It's a problem down south.
how many princess gummy vitamins will it take to negate last nights drinking binge?
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
She just rubbed her face all over pool chalk. I feel like it's time to go
Friends help friends remove their foot from the sunroof after an epic smoke sesh.
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
Randomize
