His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
i have a real life question, do ur boyfriends pretend to be vampires ever?
In The Air Tonight was playing in the dentist's office. Had to stop the cleaner to do the drums.
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
My vagina is depressed thinking about her future.
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
True enough. Do you ever think that these girls grandparents ghosts are watching you masterbate to their granddaughters and look at you in Shame?
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
Randomize
