Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
never trust anyone who drives a pt cruiser.... write that down
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
I'm trying on my bridesmaid dress so that I can determine what will need to be done to achieve getting fucked while wearing it.
i saw the poster for your lost tequila... what a shame
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
After I was kicked out of the last frat I blacked out, woke up in the hospital with no clothes no phone and no idea what happened last night. But i got hospital socks, thats a win in my book.
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
Shit facedness and cuddling are what you have to look forward to this evening.
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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