I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
I have "you made mistakes last night" written alllll over me.
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
3pm strippers are depressing
Knowing that he goes to voodoo every Thursday really makes me want to get myself checked.
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
You just get me....like our souls are boning in the spirit world
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
Randomize
