Shes cool when Im fuckin smashed.....Sober.....She suuuuuuuuuuucks
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
So this is what it's like to wake up with someone else's blood in your nose...
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
Oh yeah, it was definitely the best sex of my life, I just don't think I can fix the kitchen table before my parents get back...
Ill try not let guys feel my boobs for free drinks next time, no promises tho. I am my boyfriends worst nightmare.
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
Randomize
