she's like the human form of herpes, as soon as you think she's gone for good you have another out break.
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
you will always have a special place in my vag
I think I'm making progress on my commitment issues. I drunk made out with the same guy from last semester this weekend.
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
i can't sleep with him. he has a scrapbook from the girl he lost his virginity to.
God gave him joint rollers for hands
You dont lie about slip and slides
I just got head while watching air force one. Harrison ford would be proud.
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
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