Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
The main two things I remember from last night is you "spanking Katey into reality" and watching her barf in terror.
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
Pretty sure my idea of standards went out the window when I hooked up with a guy who had a rooster tattoo with an arrow pointing down to his no no bits. Think about it.
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
you were on all fours in the front yard puking, but managed to hand the pizza delivery guy a beer and to have a nice day.
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
HIGH AS FUCK. JUST WATCHED THE TRIPPIEST VIDEO EVER. IM NOT SCARED OF PANDAS. I GOTTA GO. TRIPPIN AGAIN
Dad hid the hash somewhere in my room and wont tell me where it is until i clean it. My room is spotless. The hash was on the ceiling fan...
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