I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
There is still throw up in my sink from before break. God I missed this place
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
I returned her cell phone that I found in the bathroom, I felt the stretcher and the ambulance was enough of a learning experience.
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
Would you and/or him be willing to dress up like the phantom, sing me music of the night and then bone the shit out of me? this is important.
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
My sexual preferences tend to require a degree in psychology to understand
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
Let the healthy eats/juice cleanse begin. Today is day 1
Have you cleansed yourself of the boy yet?
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