If he looks like a Gremlin DO NOT get him wet.
We were doing it doggy style, and I puked on the floor and started crying, he told me it was okay his cat would eat it... and if it would make me feel better we could do anal...
And they lived happily ever after....
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
Funny favor to ask you... can you ask James to ask Chris if he came in me ? Trying to assess whether or not I need plan B.
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
Do Not. I repeat. DO NOT DRINK WHISKEY TO COPE. You will end up in jail. LEARN FROM THE PRO
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
My GF, FWB and Side piece are all booty calling me. I’m a victim of my sexual success
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