i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
It's a good deal. He teaches me how to longboard, then we have sex
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
I just shit my pants and had a heart attack. Simultaneously. May or may not be related to this game.
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
Randomize
