I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
He's coming over for beer and a movie, but I just don't know if he's interested.
Pathetic and sad. I should come over there and fuck both of you just to get the ball rolling.
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
but real talk, he made 1 phone call last night and had someone bring us tacos at 3am so idk I might be inlove
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
just so you know. the medical term for period cramps is mettelschmerz.
glad to know something that causes such misery in my life has such a laughable name.
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
Randomize
