We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
Its piss that you smell... I borrowed that shirt last week. Sooo, wanna grab some laundry soap on your way home? And good luck on your date.
You made eat vitamins until I threw up
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
she was concerned about my dick piercings.
you don't go into accounting for the pussy....
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
Nothing quite like spending your evening singing Shania Twain I Feel Like a Woman barbershop quartet Style with some homeless guys outside of Keyport liquor. love Shania Twain. How's your Sunday?
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