dude, despite what happened last night, I'm not gay
She told me that she faked her orgasm. Does she think I care??
We're so high we're finding things in the room to build a submarine with. So far we have two cardboard boxes, a piece of wood, puffy paint, and an empty bottle to use as a periscope.
having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
A kid in my class brought a George Foreman and cooked food mid lecture. When the prof found out, all the kid did was ask if he wanted some.
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
it's just not right when you're boyfriend has a nicer ass than you do.
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
My only regret this past weekend is abusing only 3 substances when I could have done so much more.
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
Yeah come over whenever. Weed gets here at 8.
I'll be there at 7:59.
My nipples are YOUNG and they need TWISTING
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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