I met the friendliest cop last night
Someone just asked me to go to the dining hall for dinner and he will use one of his swipes to pay for my meal. i think this is a college version of a date
college "breaks" should be renamed "reminder why you left your hell hole of a life in the first place"
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
He told me that he wanted to break up with his girl friend but only after we had sex, only for him to make sure I'm worth it..
this is the last time we take the mathletes drinking.
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
My dad told me I would need to be my mom's DD tonight. So, that's how my Easter weekend is going down.
ayo
its like you know when i get waxed
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
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