how can you tell if its a queef or a fart from that close?
sorry about last night, I don't know what happened but I woke up this morning and looked strikingly similar to courtney love, it had to be bad.
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
You were running around drunk in a Toga chasing the frat's Husky. Of course they remember you.
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
I can't stop drooling did you spike my drink?
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
Apparently I have a "problem" because I enjoy doing bong rips in the shower
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
Randomize
