Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
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Life's too short to consider the larger psychological underpinnings of my lust.
man, work is way more interesting with these acid flashbacks.
any interest in drunk sledding later? if not, any interest in driving me to the hospital later?
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
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I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
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