She ordered a salad and a budweiser. I love her.
he sounded really stupid. it was like his puke had a stutter, too.
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
We woke up under the ping pong table holding hands.
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
Revised rule: don't put your dick in the general vacinity of mental instability.
Not even dry humping. Not even a little bit.
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
Chili is not acceptable fuck buddy food.
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Randomize
