You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
his genitalia just looks like a thumbs up. a really really small thumbs up.
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
I dont think I should be allowed to pick my own boyfriends anymore
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
Your cousin just directly asked you for nudes
Do you ever get so high you're like vibrating
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
Randomize
