beer for lunch on the first day back to school.... too soon?
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
Next guy we share better have a little more dignity than that
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
Well sure, my hetero side is thrilled, but my gay side is soooo judging
Where is Holly?
Nevermind. i can hear her having sex two doors down
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
I know... It's stupid... It's like, I have sex with his brother and bestfriend ONE time....
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