You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
all i remember is you climbed in a garbage can and said you were trashed
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
You were outside the bathroom the gay guy was puking in, screaming "IT GETS BETTER!" over and over again. Good message, poor execution.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
I just walked in on my sixteen year old sister soaking her tampon in vodka. I go to Berkeley. And they think she's the good daughter.
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
If I'm going to keep blacking out this much I need to start taking more pictures.
That's MADAM THUNDERCUNT to you
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
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