i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
I now realize that they made gum to take the taste of dick out of your mouth.
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
and you fell through a lawn chair
I'm like a saiyan, every time I get trashed I come back stronger
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
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