when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
he made transformer sounds every time he changed positions. how do you think it went?
We were playing flip cup on the nice dining room table. Losing team had to shamwow the table in between rounds
then we talked for a little and he asked my last name which since I have yet to get a fb request I'm 95% sure its for a restraining order
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
Every little girl dreams of the day when she picks up her fuck buddy because he's drunk at the gay bar again.
Anyway, it's clearly a shapeshifting vagina/AT-AT, which I never said I was SEXUALLY attracted to. Just that I liked it.
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
Randomize
