If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
FYI..good luck when you get back from work.. mom and dad know about the boy you brought home last night
haha good one..how did you even know?
we all know. he obviously didn't leave when you might have told him to.. he came down when we were eating because he coud smell mom's cooking. the dude ate with us and offered to say grace. so yeah, good luck.
you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
I don't know how to say this, but I think you're a fucking bitch and the sooner you die I'll be happier.
Sorry- wrong number! :)
It's official. I'm a squirter. Wasn't a one time thing.
all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
I vagually remember taking your birthcontrol and washing it down with ash water
He's basically wearing those Nike boner sweatpants. It's hard not to jump him. How has your day been?
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
Boise Idaho, where you have a one night stand with someone from your town 3 states away and run into them the day you return...
I'm willing to share. He can have sloppy seconds.
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
It started getting weird when you decided to scold my vagina.
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
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