Midget sex pt 2 tonight
So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
No, dude. Even Jesus hates Creed.
There are babies in the room i shouldnt be high with babies in the room.
You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
i can't believe he threw up on you. Well thats what you get for being DD. I used the sombreros as a shield!
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
you need a warning label. Just announcing that you are Scottish is seen more as a challenge. Those guys have no idea what they are getting into.
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