I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
shes the kind of girl i dont like to talk to unless my penis is in her mouth.
if i had a camp nickname it would be Flick Bean
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
so are you any less fat since you started doing blow?
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
Update - might be back in your neighbor's good graces. She liked the framed photo I gave her of me on the tractor with my business out.
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
Randomize
