I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
It's just great that Easter is on 4/20 this year. Now everyone can enjoy the Easter egg hunts. And being around my whole family.
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
I was mad at him...then I jerked off. Now I'm over it. Orgasms fix everything, I swear.
Did he hurt you? I have a crowbar I can beat his sorry ass with
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
Is it weird that my mother is taking body shots off my gf after meeting once?
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