I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
Oh, don't even get me started. Harry Potter is so pure. Twilight is just teenage girl porn.
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
It's official, I've know hooked up with everyone I carpooled with in middle school
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
Randomize
