im ready to get crazy and take my wig off
duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
your bra might or might not be a decoration on me and my roomies xmas tree haha
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
Care to explain the single rose and the package of "Cowboy Moustaches" I found on the porch?
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
he was snoring so I have him a bj to wake him up and then told him he had to leave.
Are you still in his room?
Nope, yogged home at 8 am with one shoe on.
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
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